Really. I have no clue why I keep using song titles (and not even good songs!) for my titles?? The only music I hear is on American Idol, at church or on a kids DVD.
What did I (almost) do again? Let mom guilt smack me in the face. (I thought of lots of euphemisms here but went with the PG version). First of all, school is out for me. Notice I said school, not work! I actually feel like I have that coming out my ears. No teaching until August. What I do have is a new class to prep, 3 papers to revise and resubmit, 3 more in the works and 3 studies just getting started. (Please refer to overambitious perfectionist in my first post). I really don't like to bore people with what I do (why did she not spare ME these details you may be asking yourself...) but I feel like I have to defend myself because I am keeping the kids in daycare for the summer. Maybe I am mostly defending myself to me, but regardless, the guilt has been piling up.
A little more got heaped on this morning. Today was my sons field trip to a petting zoo with 40 other 4 year olds. Does that sound more fun than the last 6 hours I just spent revising a paper? Almost. I didn't go. I had a deadline. I dropped him off. He could care less. He had a bus trip and llama petting in his future. But all the other moms looked at me in my work clothes and realized I was obviously not headed to the zoo anytime soon. (Thinking a little more on it..maybe it wasn't judgement. Maybe they were wishing they could come to work with me?) But a little girl looks up at me and says. "Didn't you know? The mommies are supposed to come WITH the kids today?". Broke my heart. But also lit a fire under me to get my work done. I did 2 days work in 6 hours and as soon as I type this last word, I am off to hear all about the trip to the petting zoo and give that kid a massive hug. Of course it helps alleviate some of the guilt that we have a trip planned for Great Wolf Lodge this weekend (indoor water park!).
No moral to this story really. Mainly just the usual, we do what we can with what we got! And I GOT to get outta here!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Mom Guilt
I stole this from Facebook:
A real woman always keeps her house clean and organized, the laundry basket is always empty. She's always well dressed, hair done. She never swears and behaves gracefully in all situations and under all circumstances. She has more than enough patience to take care of her family, always has a smile on her lips, and a kind word for everyone. Post this as your status if you too suspect that you might be a man. ;)
I was thinking yesterday about at what point these expectations start. And you know what? I think we are getting mom guilt before we even conceive!
You and you husband are "trying" to conceive:
You got pregnant, yeah!:
Yeah, baby's here!:
I could go on and on. And by the way, I am not advocating ANY of those choices as right or wrong. From the baby actually arriving to you starting to "parent" that little loaf of bread, there are SO many decisions. And everyone has an opinion. Some are well-intentioned and some not so much, but there are so many things that we have to a) form an opinion about b) act on and c) deal with the questions/criticism of. I should interject here and mention that I am a special breed of super-critical..but mainly of myself! So I probably feel criticism when none is intended, but it comes from all places. I am sure each one of you can think of a handful of things right of the top of your head where someone made you feel like you weren't doing it "right".
And speaking of what is "right", why does it have to be the hard option? It feels like "Excellent" mothering is built on oneupmanship.
"I make my own baby food"
"Well I make my own baby food from organic veggies"
"Or really, well I make my own baby food from organic locally grown produce"
It goes on and on. You have seen it at play dates and at the park, anywhere multiple mother's gather. Facebook has made it worse. The anonymity of not being face to face really brings out the claws.
I'll go ahead and admit, I have been guilty of this myself (albeit in my head). Patting myself on the back, putting an imaginary gold star on my chest for some mothering feat that I did better (ie. made harder!) than someone else. Feeling a little superior for a few minutes. But I realized this weekend how silly that is.
Some background: To date, I have been a total helicopter parent, hovering over my children to ward off the first sign of danger. My husband is much more laid back and because of this the kids have alot of fun with him and I am quite certain his anxiety level is MUCH lower than mine. I have been trying to be more laid back (I don't know when this became work to make myself relax!) and channel my hubby in parenting situations.
Well we were at the park and my 2 year old climbed up to go down a slide and I instinctively went up there and went down the slide with him. Then I thought, "this is ridiculous, if the kid can climb, the kid can slide". He went up and down that thing probably 10 times and is having a great time and I am chilling out below it keeping an eye on him when a lady (from up inside the jungle gym) goes "Little baby, you can't go down the slide. This is way too dangerous for babies. How did you get up here all alone? Where is your mommy?" I looked up expecting to see an infant in a baby carrier abandoned on the monkey bars, but she is talking to my kid. The toddler. Ack! The first time EVER I am trying NOT to be super mom and I am getting chastised at the playground. Ordinarily that would have knocked that rebel "fun parent" streak right out of me, but I let it roll off my back. I thanked her for her concern, told her he was ok to go down alone, and DID not climb up there and grab him (must. fight. the urges).
As I write this, I have no doubt that if more than 2 people read this, someone will think I am dangerous. And that is ok. Because I think its ok to have candy sometimes and eat chicken nuggets and watch cartoons too. At the end of the day, the way I parent my kids and how they turn out affects just a few important people. Me, my hubby and my 2 kids. So we get to decide what is "right" for us. So do what you feel in your gut is right as a parent without guilt. And try to accept the way other people do things, because that is what is right for them.
And finally a disclaimer. My ramblings are not intended to upset, insult, or judge anyone. The idea I am trying to get across is that we are NONE right, and we are ALL right because we get to be the one that chooses how we define "right". So cut yourself some slack every once in a while (Note to self..seriously..do this!). They are only young once and we have a limited about of years to screw them up. Kidding people!
A real woman always keeps her house clean and organized, the laundry basket is always empty. She's always well dressed, hair done. She never swears and behaves gracefully in all situations and under all circumstances. She has more than enough patience to take care of her family, always has a smile on her lips, and a kind word for everyone. Post this as your status if you too suspect that you might be a man. ;)
I was thinking yesterday about at what point these expectations start. And you know what? I think we are getting mom guilt before we even conceive!
You and you husband are "trying" to conceive:
- Do you drink coffee/soda, or (gasp) wine?
- Do you chart your ovulation or just wing it?
- Do you "do it" enough or too much (how it is possible to "do it" too much is beyond me!)?
You got pregnant, yeah!:
- Do you drink coffee/soda? (I so got the evil eye when I had a Starbucks cup in my hand. Its called half-caff people!)
- Do you find out the sex?
- Do you exercise/rest?
- Do you put on too much/not enough weight?
- Do you keep a journal/baby book/write letters to baby?
Yeah, baby's here!:
- Do you have an epidural or have natural birth? or a C-section?
- Are you going to breastfeed or bottle feed?
- Cloth/disposable diapers?
- Stay home/work?
I could go on and on. And by the way, I am not advocating ANY of those choices as right or wrong. From the baby actually arriving to you starting to "parent" that little loaf of bread, there are SO many decisions. And everyone has an opinion. Some are well-intentioned and some not so much, but there are so many things that we have to a) form an opinion about b) act on and c) deal with the questions/criticism of. I should interject here and mention that I am a special breed of super-critical..but mainly of myself! So I probably feel criticism when none is intended, but it comes from all places. I am sure each one of you can think of a handful of things right of the top of your head where someone made you feel like you weren't doing it "right".
And speaking of what is "right", why does it have to be the hard option? It feels like "Excellent" mothering is built on oneupmanship.
"I make my own baby food"
"Well I make my own baby food from organic veggies"
"Or really, well I make my own baby food from organic locally grown produce"
It goes on and on. You have seen it at play dates and at the park, anywhere multiple mother's gather. Facebook has made it worse. The anonymity of not being face to face really brings out the claws.
I'll go ahead and admit, I have been guilty of this myself (albeit in my head). Patting myself on the back, putting an imaginary gold star on my chest for some mothering feat that I did better (ie. made harder!) than someone else. Feeling a little superior for a few minutes. But I realized this weekend how silly that is.
Some background: To date, I have been a total helicopter parent, hovering over my children to ward off the first sign of danger. My husband is much more laid back and because of this the kids have alot of fun with him and I am quite certain his anxiety level is MUCH lower than mine. I have been trying to be more laid back (I don't know when this became work to make myself relax!) and channel my hubby in parenting situations.
Well we were at the park and my 2 year old climbed up to go down a slide and I instinctively went up there and went down the slide with him. Then I thought, "this is ridiculous, if the kid can climb, the kid can slide". He went up and down that thing probably 10 times and is having a great time and I am chilling out below it keeping an eye on him when a lady (from up inside the jungle gym) goes "Little baby, you can't go down the slide. This is way too dangerous for babies. How did you get up here all alone? Where is your mommy?" I looked up expecting to see an infant in a baby carrier abandoned on the monkey bars, but she is talking to my kid. The toddler. Ack! The first time EVER I am trying NOT to be super mom and I am getting chastised at the playground. Ordinarily that would have knocked that rebel "fun parent" streak right out of me, but I let it roll off my back. I thanked her for her concern, told her he was ok to go down alone, and DID not climb up there and grab him (must. fight. the urges).
As I write this, I have no doubt that if more than 2 people read this, someone will think I am dangerous. And that is ok. Because I think its ok to have candy sometimes and eat chicken nuggets and watch cartoons too. At the end of the day, the way I parent my kids and how they turn out affects just a few important people. Me, my hubby and my 2 kids. So we get to decide what is "right" for us. So do what you feel in your gut is right as a parent without guilt. And try to accept the way other people do things, because that is what is right for them.
And finally a disclaimer. My ramblings are not intended to upset, insult, or judge anyone. The idea I am trying to get across is that we are NONE right, and we are ALL right because we get to be the one that chooses how we define "right". So cut yourself some slack every once in a while (Note to self..seriously..do this!). They are only young once and we have a limited about of years to screw them up. Kidding people!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
And that's what it's all about...
One of the awesomest friends and moms I know lost her own mother last night and my heart is broken for her. I cannot even imagine a fraction of what she is feeling. If you know her please lift her up in your prayers.
I found this out on my way to church this morning and when I got there the message today was on Heaven. After this we went to a parenting small group we are doing and it was on leaving a legacy through how we raise our children. This has all been swirling around in my head today. I am not going to be here forever. My time is finite, but how we raise these guys is going to be our legacy. I was just talking yesterday about freezing time and enjoying now, but there has got to be some way to balance now while keeping "then" in mind. We have to think about what the future is going to hold for the generations we create but will not be here to meet. We are creating that future now. It's a pretty heady thought. It makes some of the small things seem just that, small. I am trying to get focused on what really matters, like making memories with these little people we've created.
This weekend I left dishes in the sink. I only did enough laundry for everyone to have clean socks and undies. I spent hours at the park and outside doing silly stuff like playing tag and eating popsicles. I am not sure who had more fun, me or the boys. But I do know that they noticed that I was really present. And I had alot more fun than I have had in a while. And you better believe there are gonna be a lot more weekends like this one in my future : )
I found this out on my way to church this morning and when I got there the message today was on Heaven. After this we went to a parenting small group we are doing and it was on leaving a legacy through how we raise our children. This has all been swirling around in my head today. I am not going to be here forever. My time is finite, but how we raise these guys is going to be our legacy. I was just talking yesterday about freezing time and enjoying now, but there has got to be some way to balance now while keeping "then" in mind. We have to think about what the future is going to hold for the generations we create but will not be here to meet. We are creating that future now. It's a pretty heady thought. It makes some of the small things seem just that, small. I am trying to get focused on what really matters, like making memories with these little people we've created.
This weekend I left dishes in the sink. I only did enough laundry for everyone to have clean socks and undies. I spent hours at the park and outside doing silly stuff like playing tag and eating popsicles. I am not sure who had more fun, me or the boys. But I do know that they noticed that I was really present. And I had alot more fun than I have had in a while. And you better believe there are gonna be a lot more weekends like this one in my future : )
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Right here, right now, there is no other place I want to be...
If you ever find that you are feeling too good about yourself, go to Barnes and Noble. It will nip that feeling right in the bud. Maybe its just me, but when I see all the books I am not reading and all the hobbies I am not pursuing, I get bummed. I went in to look at a book on Las Vegas (going in June!) and kill some time before I was meeting a friend for lunch. I left there wishing I was a photographer/chef/yoga master who also managed to do wholesome arts and crafts with my kids, on a budget, while being green. Oh yeah and a Milf. Seriously. I saw a book on this called "Got Milf?: The Modern Mom's Guide to Feeling Fabulous, Looking Great, and Rocking A Minivan". I see this book and I think... Wow, not only has this lady got it figured out, but she had time to sit down and write book about it. And she got paid for it. The only rocking going on in my minivan is "Kids Bop". Sigh. So, I started feeling less than adequate (shocker!) and you know what I did? I thought about my list from yesterday. About how my kids think I am fabulous and my husband thinks I look great. . And you know what? That is good enough for me.
There will be a day when I miss the craziness that is my life right now. This dirty laundry up to the ceiling, spaghetti in my hair, losing my mind kind of time. Think about it. Remember college? I wanted to get out and make money. (On a side note I graduated at 20 (what was I thinking?!) when a 30k starting salary sounded like a million dollars). I was tired of going to class, tired of eating canned green beans and ramen noodles. Sure I had fun but somestupid/insane part of me wanted to get out and get on with my life. And I did. And then I missed it. And I can never go back and do it again.
Parenting young kids is alot like college. You've got your late nights, it's loud, you have inconsiderate roommates who leave their stuff all over the floor and are up all hours of the night...and sometimes you wish it would hurry up and be over with. When it feels hard. And you are tired. And you wish you could just get done with this stage of life. But once we get on the other side of this stage and have school age kids, then teenagers, then adult children, we can't do this part over. We are living this part right now. So enjoy right now, don't wait for what's next. Be mindful of little moments, the sweet ones and file them away for when it feels too hard. When you are scraping frosted flakes off of the wall or removing an action figure from your toilet, think of how it feels to snuggle your little one in your lap fresh from the bath. Or how neat it is when they start to become their own little person. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT the touchy feely type. And I very seriously doubt I am going to have a 100% success rate at replacing "run away and join the circus" moments with warm fuzzies. But I am going to try.
There will be a day when I miss the craziness that is my life right now. This dirty laundry up to the ceiling, spaghetti in my hair, losing my mind kind of time. Think about it. Remember college? I wanted to get out and make money. (On a side note I graduated at 20 (what was I thinking?!) when a 30k starting salary sounded like a million dollars). I was tired of going to class, tired of eating canned green beans and ramen noodles. Sure I had fun but some
Parenting young kids is alot like college. You've got your late nights, it's loud, you have inconsiderate roommates who leave their stuff all over the floor and are up all hours of the night...and sometimes you wish it would hurry up and be over with. When it feels hard. And you are tired. And you wish you could just get done with this stage of life. But once we get on the other side of this stage and have school age kids, then teenagers, then adult children, we can't do this part over. We are living this part right now. So enjoy right now, don't wait for what's next. Be mindful of little moments, the sweet ones and file them away for when it feels too hard. When you are scraping frosted flakes off of the wall or removing an action figure from your toilet, think of how it feels to snuggle your little one in your lap fresh from the bath. Or how neat it is when they start to become their own little person. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT the touchy feely type. And I very seriously doubt I am going to have a 100% success rate at replacing "run away and join the circus" moments with warm fuzzies. But I am going to try.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Don't get me wrong...
After spending some time with two friends yesterday who also happen to be awesome moms, I got to thinking about what I wrote yesterday, and I want to clarify. I am NOT saying that everyone who is blissfully happy being a mom is faking it. NOT AT ALL. A very good friend of mine is a wonderful mom, is madly in love with her son (and husband) and still manages to work full time, dabble in photography/graphic arts, and be a runner (all while pregnant with #2). I have never once heard her admit to being crazy/stressed/wanting to run away and join the circus (my personal favorite threat when I am losing my mind). And I truly believe that she isn't any of those things. J you rock!
Some people have the patience of saints and the the temperment to match. I am not one of those people. I was not "born to be a mom". My ovaries do not melt when I hold a newborn. That is not to say that I am a horrible mom and do not LOVE LOVE LOVE my children. My children are awesome. I heart them bigtime. I am just saying that maybe it is harder for me to be good at being a mom. Or at least to feel that I am good at it (see perfectionism in earlier post). This the "honest and imperfect" experiment is born. The whole point was to give MYSELF permission to be imperfect and be honest about both the joys and terrors of raising children. And you know what, it's working. The more I write the more free I feel. I am not a horrible person because I have selfish thoughts. Here is my laundry list of those. While we are being honest.
I wish
I am so blessed that
And you know what, that second list totally kicks that first list's butt!
Some people have the patience of saints and the the temperment to match. I am not one of those people. I was not "born to be a mom". My ovaries do not melt when I hold a newborn. That is not to say that I am a horrible mom and do not LOVE LOVE LOVE my children. My children are awesome. I heart them bigtime. I am just saying that maybe it is harder for me to be good at being a mom. Or at least to feel that I am good at it (see perfectionism in earlier post). This the "honest and imperfect" experiment is born. The whole point was to give MYSELF permission to be imperfect and be honest about both the joys and terrors of raising children. And you know what, it's working. The more I write the more free I feel. I am not a horrible person because I have selfish thoughts. Here is my laundry list of those. While we are being honest.
I wish
- I could sleep past 8am (yes I know I have it good with my little zombie sleepers, but since I am wishing..heck I should have made it noon!)
- I did not have more crumbs in my van than a cracker factory
- I did not drive aforementioned van in the first place
- I did not constantly repeat things like "because I said so", "quit hitting your brother", and "you'll put your eye out"
- That my bar tab could exceed my babysitter bill, just once
- That the night did not end before midnight because "We gotta get home, our 2 little alarm clocks at home don't have snooze buttons".
- That Happy meal toys were never invented (but oh, such a necessary evil)
- Ditto Diego/Dora (but at least I can let them watch it w/o too much guilt b/c hey, they ARE learning language skills. Muy bien)
- I did not have to deal with boogers, poop and vomit on a regular basis
- That kids came with a full set of teeth. Sure it would make nursing more painful, but I think I would take that over 2 years. of continuous. teething.
I am so blessed that
- I have 2 healthy boys
- Who are reasonably well behaved, super smart and amazingly handsome (Thank you Daddy!)
- They think I am a wonderful mom
- They think a squishy tummy is comfy, not gross
- They are champion sleepers
- My husband is okay with date nights watching American Idol in our PJS (Vote for Casey!!)
- God is using my family to teach me to love myself like He loves me.
- I am becoming a stronger person everyday (see # 7)
- I have a wonderful network of "real" women for support, advice, and drinking copious amounts of wine (Except alot of them are having babies or nursing right now...seriously girls the wine is not going to drink itself!)
- I have a wonderful partner who suffers through the hard times right along with me, hugs me when I am hurting, and reminds me of how great life truly is.
And you know what, that second list totally kicks that first list's butt!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
The making of an imperfect (and ok with it) mom
I have always thought about starting a blog. Kind of like how I plan on finding the bottom of my laundry basket, finding my long-lost abs and chronicling the boys' first years of life in amazingly creative scrapbooks. Only problem is I work non-stop, barely have time to shower and the most creative thing I manage most days is a occasional funny (to me) facebook musing. But, behold. I am 4 lines into a blog. Almost. Just one more word!
So why, you may ask, if you haven't gotten bored and stopped reading (refer to lack of creative side above), did I finally decide to actually do something that I intended to do? Shocking I know. I am pretty sure that if I don't vent, I may literally implode. Or explode which sounds much more dramatic and messy. And hey..I wouldn't be around to clean it up. But I digress. But to answer my question (I am stalling because I myself and pretty shocked that I am making time to type these words), therapy is expensive. I have already had years of it to get over a) perfectionism (don't quite have that one licked) and b) self-esteem (I spent college carrying around an extra 70 lbs and even though I've lost the weight, the fat girl in me won't leave me alone). And yes, I actually talk in bullet points and sidebars. (see item a above). But this isn't an academic journal article (my life's work) and its not perfect. It's going to be messy and real and honest (albeit anonymously for now).
Why "honest and imperfect"? As I have become a mom, and therefore apparently a full-fledged grownup, I have found that so many people use up so much energy trying to be perfect or at least trying to seem perfect, that we could use that time and energy for something better. Like, I don't know...having fun! I am still learning this lesson myself. I was and am still working on not striving for/faking perfection. Believe me, I am not judging. To each his own, whatever makes you happy, various cliches, etc. But, if you feel like you have to be something that you are not to try to be "good enough", then you can join my club. If you don't give a flip what people think, you can still join my club because I want to take lessons.
Last week, when I was on the phone with my best friend nominating myself for yet another mother of the year award (sarcasm here) for either a) serving PB&J for dinner b) forgetting show and tell or c) pretending it was 8pm instead of 7:30 so it would be bedtime (gonna hate it when those kids start telling time). And she said to me, "Good thing the judges that hand out those awards aren't here". I think she probably was just humoring me, but that stuck with me because a) I was telling her the worst mom thing I had done that day and she still thinks I rock and b) I am my own worst critic. So last night when we went to the gym, even though it was raining and even though the boys didn't want to, and the boys wore PJs and rainboots, I DID NOT CARE! People might have thought I was eccentric, lazy, or a hobo, but you know what, I had a whole hour with G the personal trainer from hell to forget all about it. The world did not come to a grinding halt. no one called the parenting police. And hey, I might actually find those abs one day.
So why, you may ask, if you haven't gotten bored and stopped reading (refer to lack of creative side above), did I finally decide to actually do something that I intended to do? Shocking I know. I am pretty sure that if I don't vent, I may literally implode. Or explode which sounds much more dramatic and messy. And hey..I wouldn't be around to clean it up. But I digress. But to answer my question (I am stalling because I myself and pretty shocked that I am making time to type these words), therapy is expensive. I have already had years of it to get over a) perfectionism (don't quite have that one licked) and b) self-esteem (I spent college carrying around an extra 70 lbs and even though I've lost the weight, the fat girl in me won't leave me alone). And yes, I actually talk in bullet points and sidebars. (see item a above). But this isn't an academic journal article (my life's work) and its not perfect. It's going to be messy and real and honest (albeit anonymously for now).
Why "honest and imperfect"? As I have become a mom, and therefore apparently a full-fledged grownup, I have found that so many people use up so much energy trying to be perfect or at least trying to seem perfect, that we could use that time and energy for something better. Like, I don't know...having fun! I am still learning this lesson myself. I was and am still working on not striving for/faking perfection. Believe me, I am not judging. To each his own, whatever makes you happy, various cliches, etc. But, if you feel like you have to be something that you are not to try to be "good enough", then you can join my club. If you don't give a flip what people think, you can still join my club because I want to take lessons.
Last week, when I was on the phone with my best friend nominating myself for yet another mother of the year award (sarcasm here) for either a) serving PB&J for dinner b) forgetting show and tell or c) pretending it was 8pm instead of 7:30 so it would be bedtime (gonna hate it when those kids start telling time). And she said to me, "Good thing the judges that hand out those awards aren't here". I think she probably was just humoring me, but that stuck with me because a) I was telling her the worst mom thing I had done that day and she still thinks I rock and b) I am my own worst critic. So last night when we went to the gym, even though it was raining and even though the boys didn't want to, and the boys wore PJs and rainboots, I DID NOT CARE! People might have thought I was eccentric, lazy, or a hobo, but you know what, I had a whole hour with G the personal trainer from hell to forget all about it. The world did not come to a grinding halt. no one called the parenting police. And hey, I might actually find those abs one day.
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