Right here, right now, there is no other place I want to be...

If you ever find that you are feeling too good about yourself, go to Barnes and Noble. It will nip that feeling right in the bud. Maybe its just me, but when I see all the books I am not reading and all the hobbies I am not pursuing, I get bummed. I went in to look at a book on Las Vegas (going in June!) and kill some time before I was meeting a friend for lunch. I left there wishing I was a photographer/chef/yoga master who also managed to do wholesome arts and crafts with my kids, on a budget, while being green. Oh yeah and a Milf. Seriously. I saw a book on this called "Got Milf?: The Modern Mom's Guide to Feeling Fabulous, Looking Great, and Rocking A Minivan". I see this book and I think... Wow, not only has this lady got it figured out, but she had time to sit down and write book about it. And she got paid for it. The only rocking going on in my minivan is "Kids Bop". Sigh. So, I started feeling less than adequate (shocker!) and you know what I did? I thought about my list from yesterday. About how my kids think I am fabulous and my husband thinks I look great. . And you know what? That is good enough for me.

There will be a day when I miss the craziness that is my life right now. This dirty laundry up to the ceiling, spaghetti in my hair, losing my mind kind of time. Think about it. Remember college? I wanted to get out and make money. (On a side note I graduated at 20 (what was I thinking?!) when a 30k starting salary sounded like a million dollars). I was tired of going to class, tired of eating canned green beans and ramen noodles. Sure I had fun but some stupid/insane part of me wanted to get out and get on with my life. And I did. And then I missed it. And I can never go back and do it again.

Parenting young kids is alot like college. You've got your late nights, it's loud, you have inconsiderate roommates who leave their stuff all over the floor and are up all hours of the night...and sometimes you wish it would hurry up and be over with. When it feels hard. And you are tired. And you wish you could just get done with this stage of life. But once we get on the other side of this stage and have school age kids, then teenagers, then adult children, we can't do this part over. We are living this part right now. So enjoy right now, don't wait for what's next. Be mindful of little moments, the sweet ones and file them away for when it feels too hard. When you are scraping frosted flakes off of the wall or removing an action figure from your toilet, think of how it feels to snuggle your little one  in your lap fresh from the bath. Or how neat it is when they start to become their own little person. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT the touchy feely type. And I very seriously doubt I am going to have a 100% success rate at replacing "run away and join the circus" moments with warm fuzzies. But I am going to try.

Don't get me wrong...

After spending some time with two friends yesterday who also happen to be awesome moms, I got to thinking about what I wrote yesterday, and I want to clarify. I am NOT saying that everyone who is blissfully happy being a mom is faking it. NOT AT ALL. A very good friend of mine is a wonderful mom, is madly in love with her son (and husband) and still manages to work full time, dabble in photography/graphic arts, and be a runner (all while pregnant with #2). I have never once heard her admit to being crazy/stressed/wanting to run away and join the circus (my personal favorite threat when I am losing my mind). And I truly believe that she isn't any of those things. J you rock!

Some people have the patience of saints and the the temperment to match. I am not one of those people. I was not "born to be a mom". My ovaries do not melt when I hold a newborn. That is not to say that I am a horrible mom and do not LOVE LOVE LOVE my children. My children are awesome. I heart them bigtime. I am just saying that maybe it is harder for me to be good at being a mom. Or at least to feel that I am good at it (see perfectionism in earlier post). This the "honest and imperfect" experiment is born. The whole point was to give MYSELF permission to be imperfect and be honest about both the joys and terrors of raising children. And you know what, it's working. The more I write the more free I feel. I am not a horrible person because I have selfish thoughts. Here is my laundry list of those. While we are being honest.

I wish

1. I could sleep past 8am (yes I know I have it good with my little zombie sleepers, but since I am wishing..heck I should have made it noon!)
2. I did not have more crumbs in my van than a cracker factory
3. I did not drive aforementioned van in the first place
4. I did not constantly repeat things like "because I said so", "quit hitting your brother", and "you'll put your eye out"
5. That my bar tab could exceed my babysitter bill, just once
6. That the night did not end before midnight because "We gotta get home, our 2 little alarm clocks at home don't have snooze buttons".
7. That Happy meal toys were never invented (but oh, such a necessary evil)
8. Ditto Diego/Dora (but at least I can let them watch it w/o too much guilt b/c hey, they ARE learning language skills. Muy bien)
9. I did not have to deal with boogers, poop and vomit on a regular basis
10. That kids came with a full set of teeth. Sure it would make nursing more painful, but I think I would take that over 2 years. of continuous. teething.

Now that I aired my (dirty) laundry list. I better balance the scale with 10 things that are great about my life.

I am so blessed that

1. I have 2 healthy boys
2. Who are reasonably well behaved, super smart and amazingly handsome (Thank you Daddy!)
3. They think I am a wonderful mom
4. They think a squishy tummy is comfy, not gross
5. They are champion sleepers
6. My husband is okay with date nights watching American Idol in our PJS (Vote for Casey!!)
7. God is using my family to teach me to love myself like He loves me.
8. I am becoming a stronger person everyday (see # 7)
9. I have a wonderful network of "real" women for support, advice, and drinking copious amounts of wine (Except alot of them are having babies or nursing right now...seriously girls the wine is not going to drink itself!)
10. I have a wonderful partner who suffers through the hard times right along with me, hugs me when I am hurting, and reminds me of how great life truly is.

And you know what, that second list totally kicks that first list's butt!

The making of an imperfect (and ok with it) mom

I have always thought about starting a blog. Kind of like how I plan on  finding the bottom of my laundry basket, finding my long-lost abs and chronicling the boys' first years of life in amazingly creative scrapbooks. Only problem is I work non-stop, barely have time to shower and the most creative thing I manage most days is a occasional funny (to me) facebook musing. But, behold. I am 4 lines into a blog. Almost. Just one more word!

So why, you may ask, if you haven't gotten bored and stopped reading (refer to lack of creative side above), did I finally decide to actually do something that I intended to do? Shocking I know. I am pretty sure that if I don't vent, I may literally implode. Or explode which sounds much more dramatic and messy. And hey..I wouldn't be around to clean it up. But I digress. But to answer my question (I am stalling because I myself and pretty shocked that I am making time to type these words), therapy is expensive. I have already had years of it to get over a) perfectionism (don't quite have that one licked) and b) self-esteem (I spent college carrying around an extra 70 lbs and even though I've lost the weight, the fat girl in me won't leave me alone). And yes, I actually talk in bullet points and sidebars. (see item a above). But this isn't an academic journal article (my life's work) and its not perfect. It's going to be messy and real and honest (albeit anonymously for now).

Why "honest and imperfect"? As I have become a mom, and therefore apparently a full-fledged grownup, I have found that so many people use up so much energy trying to be perfect or at least trying to seem perfect, that we could use that time and energy for something better. Like, I don't know...having fun! I am still learning this lesson myself. I was and am still working on not striving for/faking perfection. Believe me, I am not judging. To each his own, whatever makes you happy, various cliches, etc. But, if you feel like you have to be something that you are not to try to be "good enough", then you can join my club. If you don't give a flip what people think, you can still join my club because I want to take lessons.

Last week, when I was on the phone with my best friend nominating myself for yet another mother of the year award (sarcasm here) for either a) serving PB&J for dinner b) forgetting show and tell or c) pretending it was 8pm instead of 7:30 so it would be bedtime (gonna hate it when those kids start telling time). And she said to me, "Good thing the judges that hand out those awards aren't here". I think she probably was just humoring me, but that stuck with me because a) I was telling her the worst mom thing I had done that day and she still thinks I rock and b) I am my own worst critic. So last night when we went to the gym, even though it was raining and even though the boys didn't want to, and the boys wore PJs and rainboots, I DID NOT CARE! People might have thought I was eccentric, lazy, or a hobo, but you know what, I had a whole hour with G the personal trainer from hell to forget all about it. The world did not come to a grinding halt. no one called the parenting police. And hey, I might actually find those abs one day.