Really. I have no clue why I keep using song titles (and not even good songs!) for my titles?? The only music I hear is on American Idol, at church or on a kids DVD.
What did I (almost) do again? Let mom guilt smack me in the face. (I thought of lots of euphemisms here but went with the PG version). First of all, school is out for me. Notice I said school, not work! I actually feel like I have that coming out my ears. No teaching until August. What I do have is a new class to prep, 3 papers to revise and resubmit, 3 more in the works and 3 studies just getting started. (Please refer to overambitious perfectionist in my first post). I really don't like to bore people with what I do (why did she not spare ME these details you may be asking yourself...) but I feel like I have to defend myself because I am keeping the kids in daycare for the summer. Maybe I am mostly defending myself to me, but regardless, the guilt has been piling up.
A little more got heaped on this morning. Today was my sons field trip to a petting zoo with 40 other 4 year olds. Does that sound more fun than the last 6 hours I just spent revising a paper? Almost. I didn't go. I had a deadline. I dropped him off. He could care less. He had a bus trip and llama petting in his future. But all the other moms looked at me in my work clothes and realized I was obviously not headed to the zoo anytime soon. (Thinking a little more on it..maybe it wasn't judgement. Maybe they were wishing they could come to work with me?) But a little girl looks up at me and says. "Didn't you know? The mommies are supposed to come WITH the kids today?". Broke my heart. But also lit a fire under me to get my work done. I did 2 days work in 6 hours and as soon as I type this last word, I am off to hear all about the trip to the petting zoo and give that kid a massive hug. Of course it helps alleviate some of the guilt that we have a trip planned for Great Wolf Lodge this weekend (indoor water park!).
No moral to this story really. Mainly just the usual, we do what we can with what we got! And I GOT to get outta here!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Mom Guilt
I stole this from Facebook:
A real woman always keeps her house clean and organized, the laundry basket is always empty. She's always well dressed, hair done. She never swears and behaves gracefully in all situations and under all circumstances. She has more than enough patience to take care of her family, always has a smile on her lips, and a kind word for everyone. Post this as your status if you too suspect that you might be a man. ;)
I was thinking yesterday about at what point these expectations start. And you know what? I think we are getting mom guilt before we even conceive!
You and you husband are "trying" to conceive:
You got pregnant, yeah!:
Yeah, baby's here!:
I could go on and on. And by the way, I am not advocating ANY of those choices as right or wrong. From the baby actually arriving to you starting to "parent" that little loaf of bread, there are SO many decisions. And everyone has an opinion. Some are well-intentioned and some not so much, but there are so many things that we have to a) form an opinion about b) act on and c) deal with the questions/criticism of. I should interject here and mention that I am a special breed of super-critical..but mainly of myself! So I probably feel criticism when none is intended, but it comes from all places. I am sure each one of you can think of a handful of things right of the top of your head where someone made you feel like you weren't doing it "right".
And speaking of what is "right", why does it have to be the hard option? It feels like "Excellent" mothering is built on oneupmanship.
"I make my own baby food"
"Well I make my own baby food from organic veggies"
"Or really, well I make my own baby food from organic locally grown produce"
It goes on and on. You have seen it at play dates and at the park, anywhere multiple mother's gather. Facebook has made it worse. The anonymity of not being face to face really brings out the claws.
I'll go ahead and admit, I have been guilty of this myself (albeit in my head). Patting myself on the back, putting an imaginary gold star on my chest for some mothering feat that I did better (ie. made harder!) than someone else. Feeling a little superior for a few minutes. But I realized this weekend how silly that is.
Some background: To date, I have been a total helicopter parent, hovering over my children to ward off the first sign of danger. My husband is much more laid back and because of this the kids have alot of fun with him and I am quite certain his anxiety level is MUCH lower than mine. I have been trying to be more laid back (I don't know when this became work to make myself relax!) and channel my hubby in parenting situations.
Well we were at the park and my 2 year old climbed up to go down a slide and I instinctively went up there and went down the slide with him. Then I thought, "this is ridiculous, if the kid can climb, the kid can slide". He went up and down that thing probably 10 times and is having a great time and I am chilling out below it keeping an eye on him when a lady (from up inside the jungle gym) goes "Little baby, you can't go down the slide. This is way too dangerous for babies. How did you get up here all alone? Where is your mommy?" I looked up expecting to see an infant in a baby carrier abandoned on the monkey bars, but she is talking to my kid. The toddler. Ack! The first time EVER I am trying NOT to be super mom and I am getting chastised at the playground. Ordinarily that would have knocked that rebel "fun parent" streak right out of me, but I let it roll off my back. I thanked her for her concern, told her he was ok to go down alone, and DID not climb up there and grab him (must. fight. the urges).
As I write this, I have no doubt that if more than 2 people read this, someone will think I am dangerous. And that is ok. Because I think its ok to have candy sometimes and eat chicken nuggets and watch cartoons too. At the end of the day, the way I parent my kids and how they turn out affects just a few important people. Me, my hubby and my 2 kids. So we get to decide what is "right" for us. So do what you feel in your gut is right as a parent without guilt. And try to accept the way other people do things, because that is what is right for them.
And finally a disclaimer. My ramblings are not intended to upset, insult, or judge anyone. The idea I am trying to get across is that we are NONE right, and we are ALL right because we get to be the one that chooses how we define "right". So cut yourself some slack every once in a while (Note to self..seriously..do this!). They are only young once and we have a limited about of years to screw them up. Kidding people!
A real woman always keeps her house clean and organized, the laundry basket is always empty. She's always well dressed, hair done. She never swears and behaves gracefully in all situations and under all circumstances. She has more than enough patience to take care of her family, always has a smile on her lips, and a kind word for everyone. Post this as your status if you too suspect that you might be a man. ;)
I was thinking yesterday about at what point these expectations start. And you know what? I think we are getting mom guilt before we even conceive!
You and you husband are "trying" to conceive:
- Do you drink coffee/soda, or (gasp) wine?
- Do you chart your ovulation or just wing it?
- Do you "do it" enough or too much (how it is possible to "do it" too much is beyond me!)?
You got pregnant, yeah!:
- Do you drink coffee/soda? (I so got the evil eye when I had a Starbucks cup in my hand. Its called half-caff people!)
- Do you find out the sex?
- Do you exercise/rest?
- Do you put on too much/not enough weight?
- Do you keep a journal/baby book/write letters to baby?
Yeah, baby's here!:
- Do you have an epidural or have natural birth? or a C-section?
- Are you going to breastfeed or bottle feed?
- Cloth/disposable diapers?
- Stay home/work?
I could go on and on. And by the way, I am not advocating ANY of those choices as right or wrong. From the baby actually arriving to you starting to "parent" that little loaf of bread, there are SO many decisions. And everyone has an opinion. Some are well-intentioned and some not so much, but there are so many things that we have to a) form an opinion about b) act on and c) deal with the questions/criticism of. I should interject here and mention that I am a special breed of super-critical..but mainly of myself! So I probably feel criticism when none is intended, but it comes from all places. I am sure each one of you can think of a handful of things right of the top of your head where someone made you feel like you weren't doing it "right".
And speaking of what is "right", why does it have to be the hard option? It feels like "Excellent" mothering is built on oneupmanship.
"I make my own baby food"
"Well I make my own baby food from organic veggies"
"Or really, well I make my own baby food from organic locally grown produce"
It goes on and on. You have seen it at play dates and at the park, anywhere multiple mother's gather. Facebook has made it worse. The anonymity of not being face to face really brings out the claws.
I'll go ahead and admit, I have been guilty of this myself (albeit in my head). Patting myself on the back, putting an imaginary gold star on my chest for some mothering feat that I did better (ie. made harder!) than someone else. Feeling a little superior for a few minutes. But I realized this weekend how silly that is.
Some background: To date, I have been a total helicopter parent, hovering over my children to ward off the first sign of danger. My husband is much more laid back and because of this the kids have alot of fun with him and I am quite certain his anxiety level is MUCH lower than mine. I have been trying to be more laid back (I don't know when this became work to make myself relax!) and channel my hubby in parenting situations.
Well we were at the park and my 2 year old climbed up to go down a slide and I instinctively went up there and went down the slide with him. Then I thought, "this is ridiculous, if the kid can climb, the kid can slide". He went up and down that thing probably 10 times and is having a great time and I am chilling out below it keeping an eye on him when a lady (from up inside the jungle gym) goes "Little baby, you can't go down the slide. This is way too dangerous for babies. How did you get up here all alone? Where is your mommy?" I looked up expecting to see an infant in a baby carrier abandoned on the monkey bars, but she is talking to my kid. The toddler. Ack! The first time EVER I am trying NOT to be super mom and I am getting chastised at the playground. Ordinarily that would have knocked that rebel "fun parent" streak right out of me, but I let it roll off my back. I thanked her for her concern, told her he was ok to go down alone, and DID not climb up there and grab him (must. fight. the urges).
As I write this, I have no doubt that if more than 2 people read this, someone will think I am dangerous. And that is ok. Because I think its ok to have candy sometimes and eat chicken nuggets and watch cartoons too. At the end of the day, the way I parent my kids and how they turn out affects just a few important people. Me, my hubby and my 2 kids. So we get to decide what is "right" for us. So do what you feel in your gut is right as a parent without guilt. And try to accept the way other people do things, because that is what is right for them.
And finally a disclaimer. My ramblings are not intended to upset, insult, or judge anyone. The idea I am trying to get across is that we are NONE right, and we are ALL right because we get to be the one that chooses how we define "right". So cut yourself some slack every once in a while (Note to self..seriously..do this!). They are only young once and we have a limited about of years to screw them up. Kidding people!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
And that's what it's all about...
One of the awesomest friends and moms I know lost her own mother last night and my heart is broken for her. I cannot even imagine a fraction of what she is feeling. If you know her please lift her up in your prayers.
I found this out on my way to church this morning and when I got there the message today was on Heaven. After this we went to a parenting small group we are doing and it was on leaving a legacy through how we raise our children. This has all been swirling around in my head today. I am not going to be here forever. My time is finite, but how we raise these guys is going to be our legacy. I was just talking yesterday about freezing time and enjoying now, but there has got to be some way to balance now while keeping "then" in mind. We have to think about what the future is going to hold for the generations we create but will not be here to meet. We are creating that future now. It's a pretty heady thought. It makes some of the small things seem just that, small. I am trying to get focused on what really matters, like making memories with these little people we've created.
This weekend I left dishes in the sink. I only did enough laundry for everyone to have clean socks and undies. I spent hours at the park and outside doing silly stuff like playing tag and eating popsicles. I am not sure who had more fun, me or the boys. But I do know that they noticed that I was really present. And I had alot more fun than I have had in a while. And you better believe there are gonna be a lot more weekends like this one in my future : )
I found this out on my way to church this morning and when I got there the message today was on Heaven. After this we went to a parenting small group we are doing and it was on leaving a legacy through how we raise our children. This has all been swirling around in my head today. I am not going to be here forever. My time is finite, but how we raise these guys is going to be our legacy. I was just talking yesterday about freezing time and enjoying now, but there has got to be some way to balance now while keeping "then" in mind. We have to think about what the future is going to hold for the generations we create but will not be here to meet. We are creating that future now. It's a pretty heady thought. It makes some of the small things seem just that, small. I am trying to get focused on what really matters, like making memories with these little people we've created.
This weekend I left dishes in the sink. I only did enough laundry for everyone to have clean socks and undies. I spent hours at the park and outside doing silly stuff like playing tag and eating popsicles. I am not sure who had more fun, me or the boys. But I do know that they noticed that I was really present. And I had alot more fun than I have had in a while. And you better believe there are gonna be a lot more weekends like this one in my future : )
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